comedy

On Citing People, Part One

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On Citing People, Part One

I’m in vehicle sixteen and parked in

plain sight. Words-with-Friends may

be open, but I still study an intersection.

A tiny green “Smart Car” roars through

the limit line and I grin.

My cell phone hits my duty

bag as the accelerator is smashed.

The stares and mouths agape never

gets old. Within moments, I’ve tracked

my prey and call it in cautiously

checking for hazards. Patiently, I wait

for my gut and eyes to

digest what’s in front of me.

Ticket or warning? The egregious

violator pulls over. Cautiously, I creep

along his mini vehicle, tapping my

gun handle and peering  into the

cab, searching for the driver’s hands.

I start my spiel… anger and

saliva are his rebuttal. Geez

guy, it’s just a ticket…verbal

Judo fails, a soft smile fails,

hands conveying peace fails. I consider

a hasty retreat, walking away since

it’s not worth it, but I’ve

seen this routine before. Ah ha!

Now I smell it, the “medicine”

that causes some people to act

imbecilic. I’m into the car now,

sniffing and searching like a canine.

I find his stash, the reason for

the deflection, his attempt to throw

me off my game. Now he’s

in handcuffs, and I smirk.

I impound the “Smart Car,” which causes

the tow truck driver, a mean,

gruff, and burly man, to point

and chuckle at the accused…judging

him without a robe or wig.

THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE!!

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THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE and the Rule of Worst Thing

By Melodie Campbell

Campbell-GoddaughterRevenge-600

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN LIFE:

  1. Men called Raoul are to be avoided.
  2. Coffee can solve a lot of problems, but it doesn’t help you sleep.
  3.  It is a really bad idea to make financial decisions after finishing an entire bottle of cheap wine. (Okay, even expensive wine.)
  4. If it sounds like a stupid idea, it probably is.
  5. Never EVER go easy on your protagonist.  In fact, invoke the rule of WORST THING.

My name is Melodie Campbell and I write comedies.  I came by this honestly, in an attempt to avoid being serious.  Most of my life, I have tried to avoid being serious.  (Which is why I was a dismal failure as a bank manager.  That’s another blog – yup, a comedy. But I digress…)

So far, it’s worked.  THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE is my 5th non-serious book.

But here’s a secret: writing non-serious is serious hard work.

HOW DO WE DO IT?

Comedy writers take a situation, and ask themselves ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen now?’  And then, ‘what’s the funniest?’

In THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE, Gina discovers that her weasel cousin Carmine has switched real gems for fakes while he was babysitting her jewelry store.  The lousy rat!  Now, some of her best clients are walking around with fake rings on their fingers.  Her rep is seriously on the line if anyone finds out. What’s a girl to do?

Mastermind a bunch of burglaries to steal back the fakes, of course.  She is the reluctant Goddaughter of the local mob boss, after all.

So let’s invoke the rule of Worst Thing.  What’s the worst thing that could happen to Gina when she breaks into houses?  She could get caught by the cops.  Or shot as an intruder. But that would end the story pretty quick, and we don’t want that.

Also, I don’t want ‘worst thing’ all the time. This is a comedy. We need a balance of pathos and bathos. So what’s the funniest thing that could happen?

All the burglaries could go wrong.  That’s our worst thing.  And the WAY they go wrong is the comedy.

Houses aren’t empty when they should be.  Her accomplice is a manic critic of interior design.  Everyone in Steeltown is following the antics of “their very own Pink Panthers” in the local newspaper.  The more Gina tries to be invisible, the more they become a sensation!

Worse and worse.  Funnier, and hopefully, funnier.  And that’s my rule of ‘best thing.’

Melodie Campbell has over 200 publications, and six awards for fiction.  She was a finalist for the 2012 Derringer, and both the 2012 and 2013 Arthur Ellis awards. Melodie is the Executive Director of Crime Writers of Canada.

 

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Library Journal says this about The Goddaughter (Orca Books):

“Campbell`s crime caper is just right for Janet Evanovich fans.  Wacky family connections and snappy dialogue make it impossible not to laugh.“

THE GODDAUGHTER’S REVENGE on Amazon http://tinyurl.com/kmgjgsf

THE GODDAUGHTER on Amazon http://ow.ly/dnObH

Follow Melodie’s comic blog at  www.melodiecampbell.com

Daily Rant#2

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So, I like pets, dogs and cats mostly, but I’ve got a daily rant today that I MUST get off my chest.

IF YOU INSIST ON HAVING YOUR DOG OR CAT IN YOUR CAR WHILE YOU DRIVE, MAKE SURE YOU CAN ACTUALLY HANDLE THE DOG LICKING YOUR FACE, JUMPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND BARKING AT PASSERBYS AND BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF YOUR VEHICLE!!!!

THIS IS NOT GOOD:

 

Yesterday, after working 22 hours, I was at a stop light waiting for it to turn green.  A car pulls up next to me with its window down.  I saw it out of my peripheral vision, I was too tired to look over! Next thing I know, “Fifi,” about 7-pounds soaking wet with a scarf on lunges out of the car and starts barking at me!  It was like a cartoon, you know when there is a regular size person, they get shrunk, then their voice gets super high.  Well, that was Fifi!  An angry full size dog in a mini body.  The owner tried to capture the little barking torpedo and made all the cars behind her miss the light…  As I drove closer to home, I thought, she should buy that thing some of those cool paw shoes..at least the dog’s feet would be nice and comfy as it attacks the tires of cars!!!!!!

I’ll only accept it if your dog is like this:

 

PEACE OUT!

 

C.L.Swinney